Something that needs to be said...
I never thought I would make a public post in this journal. But, after the call I just recieved, I thought I should get this out in the open. I'm hoping this doesn't turn into a rant- it really shouldn't because it didn't really surprise me to discover this.
The recent "falling out" Michelle and I had (if that's what you want to call it- because nothing has really changed since then) isn't anyones business but mine and hers. The recent happenings, in that regard were blown out of proportion, and neither one of us should be bringing it to the public eye. Michelle made assumptions as did I, and these assumptions led to alot of drama. Drama that has since then passed- no she has not added me back to her livejournal list, in part I know because she is trying to be distant, regardless of the fact she and I both know she can't be. Otherwise, she wouldn't be talking to me everyday, she wouldn't be willing to drive me clear to Elkhart, and she wouldn't have done alot of things she's done since the day we ended up at odds. She knows I still consider her a friend, in fact she should know I still consider her my best friend, regardless of whether or not she does me. Friends don't abandon each other. Period. Yes, she was upset that I didn't defend her right away when Michael said some things that weren't very nice. But in her rant (and probably in mine) she neglected to mention the fact that I was not permitted to after she stormed out of my house. She probably also didn't consider FULLY that avoiding anymore drama was necessary for me at that point, because I was so close to breaking. In some ways I was already gone.
But this post... this isn't about that, so why I am rambling about that I don't know. This post is regarding the perceptions of me and the like. It was brought to my attention that Michelle had asked what people thought she should do about me. Most of the responses were along the lines of "kick her to the curb because she only uses you" ...what the hell does that say about YOUR character. Screw how I'm percieved at the moment, and just think a minute. Friends stand by each other regardless of the shit that's going on. It doesn't matter if they are in a slump or on top of the world you are there through it ALL, not just when convienent- and regardless of what people may think- it has been a two way street in that regard when it came to me and MIchelle- save the recent thing with Michaels comments because I -COULDNT- put my kids and myself in even MORE of a bad situation. Yes, things have been more centered around my life recently... but that's because I know michelle will ALWAYS be okay, and currently Michelle has Mike helping her out. (Which recently, I am discovering doesn't mean that much *insert worry*)
You all seem to think, I'm this horrible bitch who only cares about herself... lets forget the times I've gone and gotten Michelle food when she had none. Let's forget the times I've babysat (like she has with me) without asking anything of her in return. Let's neglect to note the times I walked my ass to see her when she was talking about picking up a knife, or when I was informed that she had been in the hospital for attempting suicide (don't ask). Let's forget that when she finally decided to leave Andy for good and for real, I was the one standing there, offering her a hand, going through her finances trying to find SOME way to get her out of the bad situation. No people... Michelle and I have the same tendency. We post little rants about the things that have really pissed us off and gotten under our skin... and in the moment we forget to note all the little wonderful nice things that have happenned as well.
Even now, I would bend over backwords for that woman because of all she's done for me- because I consider her more family than friend and because despite my list of mistakes (which yes it's fairly long) she takes me for what I am (human) and she accepts my faults and she deals with it accordingly. Just as I have done with her. It's not as one sided as you all seem to want to percieve it as- and Michelle herself would verify that to any of you, if you all wanted to take the time to ASK HER about the time I walked my ass over there at like 1 in the morning because she'd been talking about pulling out her special knife. Or about all the times I've asked her, how she is on food and gone to the store to pick her some stuff up even BEFORE I had all this extra to spare, back when she lived at Parkview I would use my last $10 or so and I would walk my happy ass down to Kroger and Dollar General and get her what I could afford- even if it wasn't much more than some bread and lunchmeat- at least I'd known she'd be able to eat. Ask her about the time her computer took a shit when she was in school- and when I saw her break down I instantly picked up the phone and called my father and offered to buy out the other half of our computer so that she would be able to use it for school.
Two way street people... it's not always you give I give... sometimes its you give you give you give some more... and then a ways down the road when the other party needs it I give I give I give... it's not a steady stream needs. We have rough patches and you can't control when or how long they are going to last. Michelle may go through six months of hell and I'll give a hand when I can- then I could go through two months and she'd do the same... difference between Michelle and myself is Michelle doesn't need things to be made obvious-lol. I've shut myself off for so long I'm a little slow on the pick up-lol.
Bottom line is- for all of you saying "drop her" because I "use her" or because I'm a bitch and shit like that... what type of person does that make you? When someone hits a dark hour in their life and momentarily they lose sight of some of the important things... you don't just up and leave. You don't abandon them. You wait it out, or even try to help them gain their focus again. Friends stick it out... and it seems very few of you know this fact about friendship... and I have to wonder why I cared so much for all of you, and worried so much for all of you, when you could so easily kick me aside because I hit a bad patch in my life. And I have to wonder, how you would feel if suddenly you hit a rough patch and no one was there to help you along because they didn't want to deal. You all have a skewed idea of friendship I'll tell you that much. You take the good with the bad- you take it as a whole- not just the parts you like and when convienent.
And you know what actually bothers me the most about this entire thing? Because I -NEVER- asked any of you, not even Michelle, to deal with the drama in my life. Michelle took it on of her own accord, for which I found myself more than greatful, and I'm regreting not making that more obvious now.. but the rest of you... I never said anything to you regarding this patch of my life (and that's all it is- it's a bad patch that will continue to pass and be over with in due time). The only thing I'd expected from my friends- or who I'd thought were my friends- were to not take sides (in the issue with me and michelle) and to let things pass without incident- in other words, don't get involved, and just be there waiting when I had my life more together again. You didn't have to agree with the path I was walking, but friends will overlook the stuff they don't like or disagree with and they will be there regardless.
*shakes head* At least now I'm aware of where I stand and who knows the true meaning of friendship. Michelle will always be family to me because she and I have gone through so much, because she and I understand why we are the way we are... and because you can't abandon the goddess of moo (lol). Star, hasn't really like the way my path had turned, but she's at least been forthright with me and that's admirable and appreciated. Same goes for Shi. *sigh*
I can guarentee you that not one of you can say you've NEVER been down a path that was so hard, dark, and lonely that you yourself didn't lose sight of things and become overly involved with your own problems that you momentarily forgot about those around you... and if someone says they've never hit that patch, they are either lying or incredibly lucky they haven't gotten there yet.
This isn't to lecture or rant... I'm actually more hurt than anything. Betrayal really sucks... funny I was yet again blind sided by this.
I do hope you all are well and stay well... and I will, regardless, still be around if you ever need me... but I am very hurt in light of all this... and I really hope that all your friendships aren't as weak as the ones you've had with me appears to be.
Peace out ya'll...
ME
